That Stupid Little Pendant

Everyone at one point in their lives has had a lucky charm, or something like that, right? A Lucky shirt, a lucky bracelet; something that supposedly gives the owner good luck. I have a lucky charm that I made out of clay and wire that isn't particularly lucky or special at all. I would post a picture, but it's currently upstairs and I'm currently downstairs. Getting would involve walking up at least 20 steps which is too many right now. (It's been quite a long, tiring day that involved lots of barrel practice, a hair cut, a movie, and grocery shopping). But anyway, back to how it looks. It's about half a centimeter thick, square inch of pale blue clay with a dark blue clay stripe running along the out length. The colors on the front kind of swirl with a really pale blue and only a somewhat pale blue. But that's not the important part. The important part (AKA Why I find it so lucky) is that it's wrapped in wire. This might not seem significant, but let me explain. On one side the wire is extremely tangled, messed up and bulky. But on the other side the wires are completely straightened out and they form a really pretty line pattern all going in the same general direction. I know it might seem stupid that I have one of my shower thoughts while looking at this stupid little pendant, but it was just one of those moments, you know? But anywho, I think that this is a good thing for me to see because I always tend to look at the bad part of life. The part that makes me depressed and want to cut, and wish I never existed. But if I turn over the situation I can see something beautiful and amazing that reminds me that I am amazing just the way I am, that I want to be me, and that I never want to be someone else, regardless of all those nights I have looked at myself in the mirror not even recognizing who I am, not wanting to be me, feeling like I am outside my body. My point is that this is for all you people out there who (probably don't read my blog) feel the same way. Life gets better. Just last night I was so overrun by anxiety, worry, depression, but now, less than twenty-four hours later I feel like I'm at the top of the world. It's amazing. So trust me, all you invisible people, it's better when you look up, everything gets better.
Love y'all bloggers!

To Do List:

1) Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in Public.
2) Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
3) Wear a T-shirt that says Life. Stand on a street corner and hand out lemons.
4) Get in a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I have gathered you here today."
5) Major in Philosophy. Ask people why they would like fries with that.
6) Run into a store. Ask what year it is and when someone answers run out yelling, "IT WORKED!!" Then run out of the store cheering.
7) Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.
8) Change first name to Simon. Speak in third person.
9) Buy a parrot. Train parrot to say, "Help, I've been turned into a parrot!"
10) Follow joggers around in a car blasting "Eye of the Tiger' for encouragment.
11) Buy a horse. Name the horse Thunder Take the Lead. Enter horse in races.
12) Go to Australia. Locate 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
13) Get a walk in closet. Design the inside of walk-in closet to look like Narnia.
14) Get in a cab and yell, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!!"
15) Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Before they do loudly yell, "PIKA PIKAAAA!!
16) Become a teacher. Make all the answers C.
17) Find a random kid. Run up to him/her, grab her shoulders and say, "I'm you, FROM THE FUTURE."

Daily Quote
"I'm so tired of people needing a reason for doing everything in their lives. Do it because you want to. Because it's fun. Because it makes you happy."

Believe it or Not

Cutter's Lullaby

So I have something to admit to you guys. I know that this particular issue has become huge in this day and age, especially with teenage girls my age. So here it is: I have cut and self-harmed. There, I said it. But the reason I'm saying this, is not because I want help (because I don't, it was awhile ago, I've been clean for awhile) but because of all the attention that cutting and being suicidal is getting on social networking sites (mainly Tumblr) and because I want you to take me seriously when I say these things, I'm not just guessing, and I'm also saying this because I'm betting that most of you who read this don't know me. Here we go: I cannot stress this enough to you: Not all people who cut and/or are suicidal are doing this for attention or because they are weak. 
People automatically assume that anyone who has scars on their wrists or arms or legs or whatever do it because they want attention for it. Let me tell you this. If someone wanted attention for self harming, you would know. They would tell you or make it painfully obvious. My bet is if you think that the only reason people do this is for attention, then you are too damn stupid to notice the people who are hurting so bad from actually self harming because of a real problem. I have gone through the pain of finding out some of my close friends have cut or attempted to kill them selves. It's hard. And these are the people that I thought were some of the strongest people that I have ever known, and now I know they do have moments when they are brought down by something so much that they think they will never be good enough. But they are amazing people. That's what they don't realize. They didn't want me to find out, they hid it, I found out one of my friends cut because I went to grab her wrist and as soon as I grabbed it she winced in pain and wrenched her wrist out of my hand. She had been covering her cuts up with tissue taped to her skin underneath the thick bracelets that she had been wearing for years. I had no idea. And for all you bastards that think that she was doing it for attention, you need to get off my blog right now. I don't want you here. The people who cut and do it for an actual reason are so strong. Do you realize how strong you have to be to act like nothings wrong day in and day out and not give your fears to everyone else to weigh them down? It's almost unbearable. 
Let me tell you what's going through your mind when you cut; what you feel. When I cut, it was always when things had been piling up on top of each other so much to the point were the weight of it comes crashing down on you and you just give up. The words of the things I had been called and the memories that hurt are echoing and replaying in my mind. I don't really know what starts it. Maybe it's an urge to punish myself, but most likely it's the urge to feel something, anything. If you can't feel love, or hate, or anything, it's best to feel something; pain. It's just making sure I'm still alive or something like that. I'm just so numb. And the scars are the reminders of hardship and pain and what had happened. They sting whenever something touches them. But you know that saddest part of my experience cutting? I could hide my scars in plain sight, and no one would even notice, except for people that had also cut at some point. Let me say that again: I didn't have to cover it, and no one even noticed. And even if they did notice I just had to make up some lame excuse that was so obviously BS and they wouldn't ask again. That's the saddest part. Our society doesn't even care anymore.

And as for people who think that people who are suicidal people are only doing it for attention, you need to think that through. Yes, there will be the people who are doing it only for attention, but think about it, even if they're faking it, you should care, and talk them out of it. Because if you assume that someone's doing it for attention, and you ignore them. By the time you find out if they were actually faking it or not, it will be to late. (If you're doubting me read the book Thirteen Reasons Why) And if you think that you are weak if you kill yourself, I guess you are, but you have to be strong to do it.
And just one example of a really controversial suicide is the Amanda Todd suicide. I don't even know if I should get into this one right now, because I will go on forever. But know this, imagine if you were in her position. If you got blackmailed, bullied, beaten, used, tricked etc etc. Imagine how tired you would be of our society. She was done. She couldn't live with us. Imagine that. It's not her fault it's our fault. If you haven't heard here story click here. She made one mistake one mistake. She showed her boobs to a stranger who then blackmailed her. That was what started this chain reaction which ended in her killing herself. So many other girls do this. And they all get away with it, and are forgiven, Amanda Todd just got the worst of it. She did this with someone who she had no idea would use it against her. She was bullied so much that she moved. ugh, I can't explain all of this right now, just watch the video. This particular scenario just makes me so mad at the human race and how evil we can be. If I was in her place, I probably would have done the exact same thing. I would be so sick of this society. If you think it was all her fault then you are no better then the people that directly told her to kill herself and bullied her and tricked her and beat her up. You're actually worse. You can't even show sympathy to her.

 Sorry for the depressing post guys. I needed to get that out there and tell you my opinion.

pERf3ct1oN

So, I know it's been awhile since I've posted, and I'm sorry! I've just been really busy with Scarlet, my new horse. I'm really sick of men right now, you know why? Because the one that I was dating for awhile, broke up with me on a Friday because of various reasons that had nothing to do with me, but anyway, on the next Monday, he had a new girlfriend. -.- Why? But I'm not going to rant about that right now, I'm over it, it was over a month ago, I should be over it.

But there are a lot of things I've realized while I was in a relationship. . . The most important thing I realized is that a lot of girls (maybe me included) are more interested in the IDEA of a relationship than any guy that they know. Which is so unbelievably true. We want a relationship, not a guy. Society nowadays fills us with pictures and songs and so many things that make us want to have a boyfriend that treats us like Queens, so we get desperate, and feel like we need to be in a relationship, so we go and get with whoever we think is even remotely attractive. But that guy probably isn't the one for us. We're more in love with the relationship than we are with the guy. We just want someone to share cute text messages and kisses with. That's all. And when that doesn't happen, we get sad, and depressed, and begin to think we are 'forever alone'

 But that's not true. What so many girls my age don't realize is that beauty is just an opinion. Society's opinion of beauty is a perfect face, no blemishes, perfect hair, perfect makeup, etc etc. There are only a few people in the world who are made with this type of face. So what do we do? We go and cake make-up on our face to cover up our uniqueness. I would be guilty of this too, so I'm not criticizing. But if you think about it, all this is doing for ourselves is making us want to be more perfect, and that's something no one can be no matter how hard we try. It's also making our egos plummet, and guy's standards go up. Perfect isn't exactly attractive either.What is there to fall in love with if you're perfect? think of perfect has a cliff with no hand holds. People will fall right past you. But beauty and attractiveness is also an opinion. What I find attractive is going to be different that what you find attractive, and the same with guys, what one guy finds attractive is going to be different from what some other guy does. That's also something we as a female race don't understand. While yes, one guy may be looking for perfection, his standard of perfection is much different than someone else's. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be perfect and to live up to someone's standard, because there's going to be some guy out there who isn't looking for perfection in society's sense, he's looking for perfection in HIS sense. Which most likely means that there will be flaws from your perspective, but that's perfect to him. That's what we should be looking for. We shouldn't have to change, NO ONE should have to change to become perfect. You are you, and you should be unique and different than other people or else there is nothing to love. If every girl was the same in looks and personality, then no one would know what to do, or who to love. We need imperfection, that's what makes us separate from the world.

So I know that was probably a little scatterbrained, but that's what I thought of, hopefully you understood it.